My Moment Of Eureka.
Two weeks ago, I ran into a friend whom I hadn’t seen in a while. We talked about so much. Then she asked about my love life, I told her my story. My relationship ended in goodbyes without animosity. She asked how I was and I said was fine. She stared at me with a look that had the question: Are you?
I understood what she meant instantly and I replied, “I am fine. It’s just that it feels like one never truly heals. Some days, I feel great and on other days, it hits so hard unexpectedly.” As I spoke, tears formed in my eyes and I struggled to hold them back. I didn’t succeed but I wiped them off almost immediately.
She murmured, “It’s true.” Then I noticed her watery eyes. “Was she sympathizing?”, I thought. It turns out she was empathizing. She had been there. Hers was a relationship of 10 years. He was her first love. He got someone pregnant and had to marry her because the girl’s family insisted. But this happened 5 years ago and she still wasn’t over it. I didn’t even know what to say.
She had turned down everyone else who tried to love her, reminiscing on the time she had spent with and invested in this one person that she forgot how to love or be loved. Mine was nothing compared to hers but I could relate. Love is a crazy feeling and sometimes it gets people messed up.
In my own case, I wouldn’t say I wasn’t over him but I can’t say otherwise either. It had been a mixed feeling. There were moments where I understood that he was married and there were days when I felt that we could have been together. Was I as guilty as she was or was I just lying to myself? I didn’t know for sure.
However, we concluded that time would heal everything and she needed to be more open and let go. I mean, 5 years is a long time, how much time did she really need?
A part of me was scared I’d end up like her since mine had just been a year old since we broke up. Then I thought to myself, “Nah, I’m too much of a hopeless romantic to forget about love. Haha! I just need more time doing me instead of rushing into another relationship and playing with someone else’s emotion in the name of finding a distraction.”
But like a rush, after that encounter, I found myself mostly remembering those times and being stuck in the past. It was beginning to become unbearable. “What is this?”, I would often ask myself. I thought I had gone past this phase! I couldn’t understand what was going on. I mean I loved him enough to let him go. I cared about him enough even after I had let him go but why this fresh pain? Why does it feel like it was when we first broke up? It didn’t make sense.
I realized I didn’t have the motivation to do anything. Was I sinking into depression? For days, I kept trying to figure out what was wrong and then this morning it hit me. I have been my own problem.
You see, I looked back at the times we spent together and I realized that he didn’t really do anything spectacular. I asked myself why I even loved him in the first place and I realized that I chose to. Yes, he was a nice guy and yes, we had a great friendship but it was never about him– it was about me.
I chose to attach so much value to him that I couldn’t even realize that I gave more and I loved more so naturally when it ended I hurt more. Did he make any effort? Yes, he did but no two people can love equally.
Hence the value I attached to him was what made me feel excessive pain. I made him special. I put him in that place. And so when he moved on, I felt shattered because I kept seeing him as that special someone who wasn’t with me anymore.
Agreed, everyone is special in their own way but no one is truly special in our lives unless we make them. We choose to make people special to us. In the same vein, we can choose to make them not. The realization sets in when you know when to apply what.
I needed a reset. Instead of seeing him as my special someone, I need to see him as just someone. I put him up on that scale in the first place, therefore, I have the power to remove that kind of attachment from him and reserve it for who it is meant for.
Some people never come to this realization until it’s too late. Some others never even get it. It took me exactly 1 year and 25days to finally understand it. I hope it doesn’t take you long too.
This is my moment of eureka!
Related post: What Exactly Is True Love?